http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/index/ en lovelalaith@aol.com Copyright 2008 2008-11-25T05:37:27-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/t_minus_10_hours/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/t_minus_10_hours/#When:05:37:27Z Eric and I are leaving tomorrow morning!!!!! I’m so excited :D There were some changes to the plan, however. I’m too tired to go into all the details now, but we’re gonna drive straight to my mom’s house, pick up my sister, drive back to Eric’s house and crash out there. My dad will pick my sister and I up the next day, on Wednesday, but not until the afternoon because he still has work. Quick update, I know, but I’m just excited! It’s gonna be a loooooong drive, but SO worth it :) Daily 2008-11-25T05:37:27-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/playing_catch_up/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/playing_catch_up/#When:04:12:57Z I’ve been talking to my good friend Ronald a lot lately. Well, actually, we’ve been texting a lot, although, last night I did call him only to hang up five seconds later because his mom was helping him with something. Anyway, I’ve really missed him. I always did look forward to seeing him and hanging out when my family lived in Jersey (once upon a time), but it’s been six years since I last saw him. It wasn’t until recently that I found him on Facebook, and I’m absolutely thrilled to have the chance to catch up with him! :) Out of the many blogs I had, I don’t think I ever really publicly talked about my terrible, terrible NJ experience when we lived there. Well, I’ll briefly mention it here. I was a sophomore in high school, and I absolutely hated it. I hated my school, I hated my peers, I hated the band. If I ever felt depressed and angry in my life, that would be then. Now, that’s saying a lot because I had a sister who passed away when she was 6, a brother who passed away when I was in 7th grade, and my parents got divorced that same year. To put it lightly, I’d been through hell, but my time in NJ was worse. My mother and I constantly fought. A lot..... A LOT. I felt so invisible and torn inside. It was just...ugly. Then I met some friends who, surprisingly, did not go to the same school I did. Actually, they went to my sister’s Catholic school (St. Anthony’s), the same school where my mom taught. I hung out a lot at St. Anthony’s after school, and I got to know some of the people there. Ronald happened to be one of the good friends I made. There was also Steven and Ronald’s older brother, Robertlynn (sp?). Casual conversations turned to hanging out outside of school, going to the movies and B&N, etc. I seriously loved them like they were family. They made me laugh and smile without knowing I was dying inside. They kept me sane and functioning. They gave me something to look forward to when everything else around me made me feel suicidal. Unfortunately, my mom and I were irreparable, and there was no other way to fix it but for me to go back to Texas and just spend time away from her. We were both unhappy and tore each other apart. There wasn’t a single day that we didn’t fight. So I went back when second semester came around, and I didn’t get to stay in touch with Ronald or Steven or anybody. I mean, you’re talking about six years ago, back when there wasn’t Facebook or MySpace, nor did a lot of teenagers back then have cell phones. At least I didn’t, not when I was a sophomore. So we lost touch completely, and it wasn’t until just a couple of weeks ago that I was browsing through my friends on Facebook, getting ready to delete some whom I haven’t talked to or don’t remember having any affiliation with, when I found Ronald’s name on someone else’s friends list. Wow, was I excited! So of course I added him, and we’ve been staying in contact ever since. Yeah social networking technology lol! *insider* :P I got to talk to him on the phone, and I tell you, it’s certainly nice to know that some things never change ;) Anyway, I’m absolutely thankful to God for this wonderful blessing of bringing old friends back into my life. I hope we never lose touch again, and remain good friends for life. I owe him quite a lot for all that he did for me. They may have been little things, normal things to him, but to me, they meant the world. I don’t know how I could’ve survived that time of my life without his friendship. Friends 2008-11-25T04:12:57-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/t_minus_two_days/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/t_minus_two_days/#When:01:12:20Z I’m counting down the days until I get to go home for Thanksgiving break!!! :D I don’t normally do this, but forgive the bullets because I’m just a little scatterbrained right now! Last night, we had our final concert of the semester as we opened for the Jr/Sr Honor Band, and it was, hands down, the best performance we had! Everybody felt it, too, and I’m pleased. Eric and I cleaned the house today. For some reason, we just can’t keep a clean place for a week! But we’ll be leaving on Tuesday, and it would be nice to come back next week to a nice, clean house :) We ate dinner with Samuel and Lizi last night after the concert at Paesano’s, an Italian restaurant here in town. It was absolutely delicious! I ordered the coq au vin, and it was like, “What Olive Garden?” ;) So if you ever come visit me, I have GOT to take you to Paesano’s! You’ll love me for it :D Unless, of course, you’re weird and you don’t like Italian food. Then you’re dead to me :P I’ve been feeling very nostalgic lately, thinking of old friends, REAL friends that I’ve lost contact with over the years, and I miss them terribly. I wish I could see them again or at least talk to them. Okay, so it seems I’m a little bipolar when it comes to my posts because one day I’m excited about turkey, then the next day, I’m crying about being unworthy of God’s Love. I don’t know… The cold weather and grey skies, though I love them, get me all funky-lunky. But I just really need to get everything off my chest, and this is the best place I can do it. Off I go now to practice… or something... Daily 2008-11-24T01:12:20-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/like_running_away_again/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/like_running_away_again/#When:05:58:33Z I can’t forgive myself. That’s my problem. Why I always run away from problems instead of facing them. Why I tell myself that I don’t care about those that have hurt me when in all honesty, I haven’t let it go and there is still a small part that can’t get over it or forgive the wrongdoer. Why I start crying when I can’t face the truth. Because I can’t forgive myself. In order to forgive others, I must learn to forgive myself first. But I can’t because I don’t deserve it. I hadn’t tuned to this particular genre in a long time, but earlier tonight, I was listening to this Christian song, and although it was a very happy and motivating song, I started crying. I felt as if I was surrounded by a crowd of people, my chest heavy with sadness and shame. I felt like running away and hiding...in my closet, under the bed, far away in a field of corn where no one can find me. I felt like everything the song sang was so wonderful and beautiful that it couldn’t have been for me. Because terrible, wicked people like me don’t deserve something so beautiful as God’s Love. I don’t. I really don’t. I’m a sinner. I don’t even go to church every week. I’ve gone at most 4-5 times this semester. I can’t even remember the last time I went to confession. And when I hear about these amazing mission trips that people go on to help others, I feel as if I’m failing God’s test because I can’t even do that. I can’t even take the time out of my so-called busy life to help a fellow human being. So how can someone like me ever be welcomed into the arms of God? But I love God with all my heart. With ALL my heart. He IS my Saving Grace. He is my everything. I can’t believe I’m still crying… But that’s just why I’m crying. Because I know He loves me back. He loves me even when I don’t love myself, when I can’t love myself. He loves me despite my flaws and imperfections. He loves me like no one else can, unconditionally and eternally. And that’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Because He still loves me even when I don’t deserve it. Even when I don’t deserve it… Life 2008-11-22T05:58:33-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/gimme_some_turkey/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/gimme_some_turkey/#When:21:19:06Z I know Thanksgiving isn’t for another week, but I’m already in Thanksgiving break mode and making plans to leave as early as 9:00 AM (after Form class) next Tuesday. I finally get to see my family after not having seen them since I left in August, so I’m simply ecstatic! Of course, I’m also looking forward to, you guessed it, turkey!!! :D Eric and I were actually thinking of having a pre-Thanksgiving party at our place this weekend, but we figured since it’s too close to Thanksgiving, it might ruin the nice turkey-mood that everyone is antsy about next week. Besides, I’d much rather have Thanksgiving dinner with my family first. So we might just hold off on our party plans til Christmas. At least with a Christmas party, we’d have it before school let out for the break, and there’ll still be plenty of time until Christmas Day to not ruin anything. Besides, one can never have too many Christmas parties :) We just might even do Secret Santa gift exchange or something, but we have quite a while to plan all of that out. For now, though, I seriously don’t think I’ve been this excited about Thanksgiving before. It may not be Thanksgiving yet, but already I’ve got a million things to be thankful for. One of which is the fact that I actually get to see my family for the holiday. Some of our friends aren’t going home for various reasons, but Brody, for example, is from Iowa, and he won’t be able to make the drive/flight out to see his family. So he and a few other guys that are staying in Commerce are going to spend Thanksgiving together at his place, which I think is just as wonderful, but of course, no matter how great and wonderful your friends are, it’s just not the same as spending it with your own family. The only thing, I must admit, that I’m actually dreading for the first time about Thanksgiving (or this holiday season for that matter) is all that food. I’ve never been one to be conscious about my own weight, but I’m actually pretty displeased with myself with how much I’ve relied on fast food recently for purely convenience reasons. Not even because I don’t feel like cooking or there’s no time but only because it’s one less thing to worry about. So I really hope this holiday season won’t be an excuse for me to stuff my face until I turn blue. I mean, I’ve read before that on average, people actually gain about 7 pounds every year from the holiday season alone! Can you imagine? An average of seven pounds in practically just one month! Scary. But I think won’t be as bad, though, because I have a sister in high school, and you know high school kids these days, especially the girls. They’re notorious for being super conscious about their weight, and I know my sister will definitely act as my personal trainer lol :P Anyway, enough turkey talk. We’re having our final concert of the semester tonight, and for some reason, I’m actually not as excited about it as I thought I would be. One, because a certain annoying person ruined it for me when said person decided to add in his/her own ornamentation to a certain section on a certain piece that isn’t supposed to be there!! ARGH SO ANNOYING! I feel like ripping my hair out every time I hear it X-O Before I go, I have a confession to make. I was writing an elegy earlier this semester, but somehow, it didn’t feel appropriate anymore primarily because I kept thinking of my grandma and sister. I also mentioned before that I wasn’t entirely sure if I was dedicating it to them although it was, in every sense, inspired by them. But that thought alone was enough to make it go wrong. Well, no, not wrong.....just not right. Not at this time, at least, or at this point in my life. So before I could cause any more damage, I decided to stop. I put it away for now and started writing another piece, something that felt more right for this time. I didn’t put the elegy away completely, like I’ve given up on it, no. Instead, I think I’ll return to it when I’m ready, when it’s right, and hopefully by then, I’ll be able to really honor my grandma and sister the way they deserve.  Daily, Life, Music 2008-11-20T21:19:06-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/its_all_in_my_mind/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/its_all_in_my_mind/#When:05:10:08Z Since I was a little girl, I’ve let my imagination run away with silly notions and ideas. Sometimes, these ideas would be so silly and crazy they would even freak me out a little. Take, for example, when Eric left for PASIC two weeks ago, and I was all by myself at home. I would think of crazy what-if scenarios like someone breaking in the house while I was asleep and who-knows-what, or the scary thought of something happening to Eric while he was away. (Goodness, what is WRONG with me?!) And all these thoughts would get to me, and eventually, I’d force myself to get distracted by Facebook or iTunes just for the sake of not going absolutely crazy. Well, earlier this evening, Eric had rehearsal and wouldn’t be back til who-knows-when because Mr. Brian likes to keep his studio in a tight leash. Eric stopped by the house briefly only to pick up the dinner I made and packed in a “tubberware” for him. Then I walked him to the door and watched from the window as he got inside the car. Well, right there and then, my imagination went wild again. I thought about those movies where a seemingly innocent and clueless person gets inside a car, and at the turn of the ignition, the car blows up, consuming the driver in flames, ultimately killing them. Just thinking about that suddenly made my eyes very teary, and from there, it was like an avalanche of one terrible thought after another. I pictured myself depressed and lonely without my Scubbly. I saw myself dropping out of school and giving up on my future because I couldn’t hear the music any longer, because I just couldn’t go on anymore. I saw myself breaking down and once again getting angry with God and turning away from Him. I saw myself alone and friendless because I pushed away everybody who tried to help me. Then it hit me. The crazy ideas and wild imagination stopped suddenly, and I had but one real thought in my head. It was like driving at 100mph and suddenly just hitting the brakes. That I love Eric more than anything in the world, and I can’t imagine my life without him. It’s not even a matter of discussion, or something that I have to think about and contemplate. It’s real. It’s fact. There’s no question about it. It’s the only other thing I know to be real and true in this world. But it’s not as if I never knew I loved Eric. I’ve always loved Eric. It just that now, there’s that second part to it, the “I can’t imagine my life without him” part. That was what hit me. The brakes to all the mad, crazy thoughts. In all my cold, cruel-heartedness, I never thought I could care for someone as much as I care for Eric.  Daily 2008-11-17T05:10:08-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/banquet_fall_08/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/banquet_fall_08/#When:01:36:09Z The banquet last night was absolutely wonderful! :) Eric and I arrived a little early to find the Texas Ballroom beautifully decorated with festive balloons, glitter, flowers, ribbons, and other shiny things in school colors, blue and gold. A few people lingered around tables, chit-chatting quietly amongst themselves, turning every now and then to see who just walked in the ballroom. Eric and I claimed a table in the center of the room, sat ourselves, and waited for more people to show up. Surprise, surprise six other percussionists arrived one-by-one and joined us at our table. Soon after, the banquet started with a welcome speech and a dinner prayer by the two drum majors. The actual dinner, which consisted of lasagna, garlic bread, green beans, and salad, wasn’t exactly the best meal I’d had. The pasta was kinda of cold and the bread seemed old, but I didn’t eat all day just for this occasion, so I ate almost everything. The best part of the dinner came at the end when the caterers brought out cake. It was scrumptious :D Anyway, the directors made their speeches after the dinner, thanking everyone for all the hard work, how proud they were of the entire band for being incredibly accommodating to two new directors this year, etc. They also recognized certain people and the fraternity/sorority groups that made all the paperwork, technical issues, etc. happen. Then the awards were presented. Last Wednesday, the students nominated individuals for certain categories such as, Most Improved Guard, Outstanding Brass, Outstanding Percussion, Best Section, Mr. and Ms. Pride, etc. So last night, the awards were presented to the people who won in each category. Guess who won Outstanding Woodwind Performer? That would be me! :D Later on that night, I commented, “I’m kinda sad cuz all my friends are percussionists! I’m not as close at all to the clarinets.” Jeremiah then jumped in with, “Well, the entire drumline voted for you. We don’t talk to other woodwinds haha.” LOL! Apparently, when the awards were being presented and as people stood up to take their plaques, our table (which, remember, was filled with percussionists) didn’t even recognize half the winners XD There was a slideshow in the end with pictures from the whole season (some of which were crudely stolen off of my Facebook albums without so much as a note or message telling me they would be featured in the slideshow *cringe*). Oh well. The banquet ended officially with the traditional singing of the Alma Mater :) Several people stayed for the dance, but I went camera-crazy and took pictures with everyone I thought was cool lol ;) Eric and I stayed until the very end and even had a chance to dance to Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing. Tiffany snapped a picture of us dancing, which, I must say, came out to be very lovely :) The dance ended at 10:00, and I found myself smiling ear-to-ear as I realized that out of all the music banquets I went to (including the ones in K-ville since my freshman year), this was the one I enjoyed the most. This was the one I felt most comfortable and found the most pleasant. I keep thanking God for this beautiful new life of mine and for continuing to bless it with good things :) College, Fun 2008-11-17T01:36:09-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/christmas_is_not_crap/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/christmas_is_not_crap/#When:18:00:34Z Yesterday, I heard the ugliest thing come out of a seemingly nice girl’s mouth. And it pissed me off. We were getting ready for studio class when I went to the lockers to get my instrument. “Hey guys, bring your instruments. We’re playing in studio today,” I announced to the five people that were there at that time. We usually don’t play in studio because Dr. D lectures about different topics, so it came as a surprise to everyone when I announced we were, in fact, playing. “What? We’re playing??” “What are we playing?” “Today? In studio?” “Oh, it’s that Christmas crap again!” *GASP!* Oh no you di-int! Instinctively, I replied, “It’s NOT Christmas crap!” Look, missy, it’s your choice if you don’t believe in God, if you’re atheist or whatnot. It’s also your choice if you don’t celebrate Christmas. But never, EVER diss God in front of me! You understand?! Because I will NOT tolerate that. Because I happen to believe in God, but I also don’t give people crap for NOT believing in God, or for being an atheist. Just like you don’t want me to shove my beliefs down your throat (and believe me, I don’t want to do that) and just like you want me to respect your beliefs, I don’t want you to think it’s okay for you to shove YOUR beliefs, or lack thereof, down MY throat. I’m not gonna go into the whole shpeel about Jesus is the reason for the season, because He is, you know. But I don’t care if you’re an atheist. I don’t care if you could care less about Christmas. Just don’t rant about it in front of me because I can guarantee you that I never rant about non-believers. It makes me sad when people don’t believe in God, to be completely honest with you. But the only thing I can do is pray for you, so I will.  Rants 2008-11-15T18:00:34-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/snubbed/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/snubbed/#When:02:58:08Z I never got this off my chest, and I think it’s perfect time I did. I’m just gonna go off on a rant and not care about correct grammar or punctuation *cringe* It didn’t really bother me when I received no calls or email from friends when I first transferred. After all, I kept a very low profile in the summer and told only a couple of friends when I knew my decision was final, and only until then did I spill the beans. So I kind of expected people to be somewhat annoyed and/or surprised. I even expected my phone NOT to ring. What I did not expect, however, was for my phone to remain completely silent of any K-ville calls all this time and only ring 2-3 months later when someone needs something from me. That really irks me. Look, if you need my help, I’d be really glad to help you out, but it really hurts when you don’t call me all summer long, not even when I transferred 9 hours away, not even just to say hi, and then all of sudden, call me only when you need something from me. It really hurts, honestly. To make it worse, not even a single invite to any event, like, oh I don’t know, a recital maybe? Sure, I’m 9 hours away, and I can’t just up and go to every single event, but don’t just shove it off to the side thinking, “Oh, she’s not gonna come. Don’t bother.” How do you know? What if I could? What if I wanted to? What if I was able to make it out to even just one event? It’s important to me, too, you know. This has just been eating me up inside since the first time it happened when someone left me a message about something they needed. “No, I’m sorry, I don’t have it, but hey, you know, I’m doing okay, thanks for not asking....” And I swear, every message from K-ville is not to ask how I’m doing but if I can do something for them.  WHY is that?? Why? I don’t understand how people can just call up someone after not talking to them for months only to ask for a favor. That’s terrible! That’s not what friends do. Friends aren’t just for favors. Friends aren’t just for a good time. And it’s not like it’s terribly difficult to stay in touch these days. I’m on Facebook quite often. I have several email addresses. My number hasn’t changed. And I know it takes two to tango, but I’ve certainly done my part in calling up friends. But friendship isn’t one-sided.  It just really annoys me, and I’ve had enough of it. I’ve decided that the next time someone calls me up or sends me an email asking if I can do something for them, I won’t reply. Because I don’t like being taken advantage of. I don’t like feeling like crap. I don’t like thinking of the past because that is what you are now to me. So goodbye to you. Rants 2008-11-15T02:58:08-06:00 http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/sharing_a_proud_moment/ http://melinath.silver-hearts.net/index.php/site/sharing_a_proud_moment/#When:23:36:17Z Have you ever felt so excited after a test knowing that, not only did you pass it, but you’re confident you aced it? I did :) I had a Form test this morning, and I felt so nervous this week about it because I got a C on the first test, and I had missed the form completely, the most important thing in the whole test. Well last night, I asked Marc if Eric and I could study with him since he did get an A last time. He and Jeremiah came over, and we ordered pizza. But we actually didn’t get as much studying done as I’d hoped because Jeremiah, as nice of a guy as he is, and as much as I laughed at all his stories, had.... a lot of stories lol. We studied some, between munching down some pizza and talking. I had never hung out with either Marc or Jeremiah before, but they’re great guys. More on this later.... Anyway, they left a little before midnight with a box of pizza. When I took the test this morning, I labeled the form as sonata. Eric and Jeremiah put down sonata-rondo, and Marc labeled it as sonata. Half the class stayed outside after class to wait for Dr. Ted to tell us the correct form. “It’s sonata form,” he said finally. Marc and I just looked at each other and let out a big, “YES!” I never felt so satisfied with a test lol. The rest of my day just kind of fell into place after that good news :) Okay, so the reason I was dwelling earlier on Jeremiah and Marc being great guys is because (I’m totally stereotyping here but) most percussionists I know are jerks, and that’s putting it lightly. The studio here vs. the studio in K-ville are night and day. The guys here are actually the nicest percussionists I’ve ever met, and it’s so refreshing because you just don’t see that everywhere. Granted, there were a couple of gentlemen in the K-ville percussion studio just like I’m sure the studio here has one or two jerks, but for the most part the difference is, like I said, night and day. There’s a Percussion Ensemble concert tonight, and I’m SO looking forward to it, especially the amazing bass ensemble! :D Daily 2008-11-13T23:36:17-06:00